Are you living your résumé or your eulogy?

Each morning I divide my attention between CBS This Morning, The New York Times and Wall Street Journal. I read and clip the headlines that I add to a pile already on my desk. Later, I spend more time reading stories online as well as any additional research. Somewhere in that pile is an ethical topic that jumps out at me.

I also strive to include stories that cause us to reflect on the bigger picture; stories that ask: what are we doing, how are we contributing to the greater good. Sometimes a story will rise to the top of the pile by virtue of speaking on… virtue.

aristotle-plato

David Brooks has been a columnist for the New York Times since 2003. His writings always cause me to stop the noise in my head, sit back, and think. His Sunday essay, The Moral Bucket List (Mar. 11), did just that. Brooks’ column is adapted from his recent book, The Road to Character. I’m not going to re-post the entire piece here because I want to encourage readers to click on the link and go the Brooks piece yourself, read and reflect just on your own.

“About once a month I run across a person who radiates an inner light. These people can be in any walk of life. They seem deeply good. They listen well. They make you feel funny and valued. You often catch them looking after other people and as they do so their laugh is musical and their manner is infused with gratitude. They are not thinking about what wonderful work they are doing. They are not thinking about themselves at all.

“When I meet such a person it brightens my whole day. But I confess I often have a sadder thought: It occurs to me that I’ve achieved a decent level of career success, but I have not achieved that. I have not achieved that generosity of spirit, or that depth of character.

“A few years ago I realized that I wanted to be a bit more like those people. I realized that if I wanted to do that I was going to have to work harder to save my own soul. I was going to have to have the sort of moral adventures that produce that kind of goodness. I was going to have to be better at balancing my life.

“It occurred to me that there were two sets of virtues, the résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues. The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?

“We all know that the eulogy virtues are more important than the résumé ones. But our culture and our educational systems spend more time teaching the skills and strategies you need for career success than the qualities you need to radiate that sort of inner light. Many of us are clearer on how to build an external career than on how to build inner character. …

“So a few years ago I set out to discover how those deeply good people got that way. I didn’t know if I could follow their road to character (I’m a pundit, more or less paid to appear smarter and better than I really am). But I at least wanted to know what the road looked like.

“I came to the conclusion that wonderful people are made, not born — that the people I admired had achieved an unfakeable inner virtue, built slowly from specific moral and spiritual accomplishments.”

So, what characteristics did Brooks find on the road to character? Here are a few:

“THE HUMILITY SHIFT We live in the culture of the Big Me. The meritocracy wants you to promote yourself. Social media wants you to broadcast a highlight reel of your life. Your parents and teachers were always telling you how wonderful you were.

“But all the people I’ve ever deeply admired are profoundly honest about their own weaknesses. They have identified their core sin, whether it is selfishness, the desperate need for approval, cowardice, hardheartedness or whatever. They have traced how that core sin leads to the behavior that makes them feel ashamed. They have achieved a profound humility, which has best been defined as an intense self-awareness from a position of other-centeredness.

“SELF-DEFEAT External success is achieved through competition with others. But character is built during the confrontation with your own weakness. Dwight Eisenhower, for example, realized early on that his core sin was his temper. He developed a moderate, cheerful exterior because he knew he needed to project optimism and confidence to lead. He did silly things to tame his anger. He took the names of the people he hated, wrote them down on slips of paper and tore them up and threw them in the garbage. Over a lifetime of self-confrontation, he developed a mature temperament. He made himself strong in his weakest places. …

“THE CONSCIENCE LEAP In most lives there’s a moment when people strip away all the branding and status symbols, all the prestige that goes with having gone to a certain school or been born into a certain family. They leap out beyond the utilitarian logic and crash through the barriers of their fears.

“The novelist George Eliot (her real name was Mary Ann Evans) was a mess as a young woman, emotionally needy, falling for every man she met and being rejected. Finally, in her mid-30s she met a guy named George Lewes. Lewes was estranged from his wife, but legally he was married. If Eliot went with Lewes she would be labeled an adulterer by society. She’d lose her friends, be cut off by her family. It took her a week to decide, but she went with Lewes. ‘Light and easily broken ties are what I neither desire theoretically nor could live for practically. Women who are satisfied with such ties do not act as I have done,’ she wrote.

“She chose well. Her character stabilized. Her capacity for empathetic understanding expanded. She lived in a state of steady, devoted love with Lewes, the kind of second love that comes after a person is older, scarred a bit and enmeshed in responsibilities. He served her and helped her become one of the greatest novelists of any age. Together they turned neediness into constancy.

“Commencement speakers are always telling young people to follow their passions. Be true to yourself. This is a vision of life that begins with self and ends with self. But people on the road to inner light do not find their vocations by asking, what do I want from life? They ask, what is life asking of me? How can I match my intrinsic talent with one of the world’s deep needs?”

So, how do we attain virtue?

“We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence,” Aristotle wrote, “but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.”

Be aware of your choices. Strive to improve those choices. Repeat.

1 comment… add one
  • Dr. John Baldwin April 13, 2015, 11:55 am

    Having just passed #80, it falls to me, still alert and vertical, to receive notices of death of college and high school classmates, my doctors and dentists and neighbors as a routine, and when possible, my wife and I attend those memorial services. Reading this essay hits home, as eulogies are made of the “stuff we would really like to be”, and Jim’s suggestion that we live those principles on a daily basis makes not only good sense, but for better lives all around. Nice job, Jim.
    NOTE FROM JIM: While I appreciate the compliment, the majority of the words reflecting on how we should live, belong to New York Times columnist David Brooks.

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