Head to Head – Redux

Published: February 17, 2014

By Jim Lichtman
Read More

Okay, I know it’s early, but I’m heading out of town for the holiday and wanted to get this posted. I also know this was posted prior to the last presidential election, but…hey, it’s about presidents, it’s funny, and I wanted to leave on a high note. So, enjoy!

It’s hard to believe that the 2012 presidential campaign is at an end… almost.

What will “likely voters” do without all those hard-hitting, rhetoric-flailing, endless campaign ads? According to OpenSecrets.org, the total spent by both campaigns is reported to be almost $2 billion, and that doesn’t include money spent by PACs and Super PACs.

After all the negative campaigning, what we need now is an uplifting, inspiring message of hope. I thought it was time to bring in two of the most respected and respectful political figures the nation has produced to give us a little rational and reasoned wisdom.

On the right, from the right, swinging an ax with his right hand, we have that grand old conservative Abraham Lincoln. On the left, (but always using his right hand to sign important legislation), we have Franklin D. Roosevelt; presidents 16 and 32, respectively.

Okay, gentlemen, if you would, offer some counsel to voters out there regarding your choice for president. Mr. Lincoln, you won the coin toss, you go first.

Mr. Lincoln: “Thank you, Jim. My fellow-citizens: It would be tedious, as well as useless, to recount the horrors of President Obama, a black man who rose to the full height of political aspiration to become president of this great nation. However, in promising much, much was expected. Did he deliver?

“You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but Mr. Obama cannot fool all the people all the time. And so I ask the president, in his many promises to correct the vast instability of our economic system, did he, in fact, succeed?

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening my axe. I don’t think President Obama has spent enough time sharpening his ax, lo these past four years. I ask the president: Where are the pillars of our economy? They have crumbled away. Those pillars must be rebuilt, hewn from the solid quarry of sober reason. A reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned…”

“Excuse me, Mr. Lincoln? I try to keep these commentaries under 800 words or so. If you could kindly make your points brief and punchy, that would be great.”

Mr. Lincoln (pausing to think): “VOTE FOR MITT ROMNEY AND SAVE THE UNION!”

Oookay, Mr. Roosevelt?

Mr. Roosevelt: “Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague is a generous and good conservative. You know what a conservative is, don’t you? A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned how to walk forward! He believes that the only way to reach economic prosperity and reduce our debt is to return to the same policies that got us here in the first place!

“Governor Romney has told us that nearly half, 47 percent of the country, believe they are victims, dependent on government, and that his job is not to worry about these folks. In our personal ambitions we are individualists. But in our seeking for economic and political progress as a nation, we all go up or else all go down as one people.

“When Mr. Obama came into office, he was faced with crushing debt brought about by two wars. Over ninety percent of all national deficits from 1921 to 1939 were caused by payments for past, present, and future wars.

“Now, Governor Romney wants to cut taxes on, what he calls, ‘job creators.’ Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.”

Mr. Lincoln: “Oh, sit down and shut up, you old fool.”

Mr. Roosevelt: “YOU shut up, you backwoods bumpkin!”

“Gentlemen, please; a little respect and decorum.”

Roosevelt: “What the hell did you ever do to get your face on the five-dollar bill?”

Lincoln: “Freed the slaves and repaired the union, you spoiled, richest of the rich one per-center!”

Roosevelt: “The Civil War happened on your watch, doofus!”

Lincoln: “You presided over World War II, you nincompoop! A world war trumps a civil war!”

Roosevelt: “Oh, yeah, well you should take some of your own advice.”

Lincoln: “What advice is that?”

Roosevelt: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Lincoln: “You’re the fool, you dried-up, old cuss.”

Roosevelt: “Who are you calling ‘dried-up,’ you sockdologizing ‘whigg-a-more’ (derisive nickname for a member of the Whig party).”

Lincoln: “What’s the ‘D’ stand for, Franklin: dumb or dangerous? Quick, how many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?”

Roosevelt: “FOUR! Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.”

Lincoln: “That’s MY line! He STOLE my line, Jim!”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. We’re here to…”

Lincoln: “Get out of that chair and fight, you old blue-dog!”

Roosevelt: “That’s right, take advantage of my handicap.”

Well, to sum it up, I believe if they could offer one message, both former presidents would agree that it’s important to get out and vote. Vote for the candidate of your choice, but VOTE!

“Come back here, Franklin. Stop wheeling away, you coward!

“Coward?! At least I served in the military.”


Leave a Comment