“It’s an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day, here in Cleveland, RNC fans!”
“As you can see from our exclusive channel FOX-8 feed, crowds are beginning to feel THAT special buzz…
“What’s that? …I’ve just been told that those are security guys on camera… but they’re feeling the buzz, too here at Quicken Loans Arena, home of the 2016 NBA Championship Cleveland Cavaliers, and I can’t wait to announce the lineup of luminaries planning to attend the next four days of politics, hijinks and… more!
“Earlier today, Trump spokesman Jason Miller told us that ‘This impressive lineup of veterans, political outsiders, faith leaders and those who know Donald Trump the best — his family and longtime friends — represent a cross-section of real people facing the same challenges as every American household.’
“So, let’s get to that lineup.
“Leading off tonight we have 2007 Heisman Trophy winner and star quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles , TIM TEEEEEEEEEE–BOWWWW!
“Wait, I’m hearing… Sorry, folks, I am mistaken. Tim Tebow will not be speaking tonight. We understand he had a previous commitment to attend the retirement party of his High School English teacher.
“Not a problem. However, we are pleased to welcome Vietnam War hero, and 2012 Republican Presidential Nominee “Big” JOHN McCAAA… What? He’s got a scheduling conflict, too? He already planned a trip to the Grand Canyon. You’re kidding? You’re not kidding. McCain really is going to the Grand Canyon.
“What about the other Arizona Senator… what’s-name… Jeff Flake? … He said what? ‘Mowing my lawn,’ seriously?
(Pivot, pivot now!)
“Okay, speaking of the military, the RNC will begin tonight’s show with a real bang-up featurette. ‘Zero Dark Benghazi’ will take us step-by-step through all eight Benghazi investigations.
“Moving onto Tuesday, we have everyone’s lovable ‘Rogue’… SARAAAAH PAAA…
“What do you mean, she’s not coming? She attended several Trump rallies, and… what did Trump say? Cleveland is ‘a long ways away.’
“Somebody should have briefed me on these changes, guys. Let me get out my list. Yes, I already know the Bushs aren’t coming, Colin Powell and Mitt, too. What about Senators Kelly Ayotte, Mark Kirk, Ron Johnson, Roy Blunt and Marco Rubio?
“ALL said they’re ‘too busy campaigning?,’ and Montana Senator Steve Daines is what? … ‘fly fishing?’ And cross off… wait a second… cross off who? …Lindsay Graham, Dean Heller, Mike Crapo and Jerry Moran who are all ‘reconnecting with constituents,’ and Senator Lisa Murkowski ‘will be busy flying around remote areas of Alaska, campaigning?’
“These people DID receive the convention memo last year, didn’t they?
“What about Portman, he’s the Senator from Ohio; surely he’s …
“Okay, folks, here we go! I’ve just been informed that Ohio Senator Rob Portman WILL be attending the convention… he just hasn’t been invited to speak… but, he WILL definitely be here… in the Arena… except for the times when he previously committed to ‘volunteer for Habitat for Humanity’ and a ‘Wounded Warriors kayaking event.’
“And Ohio Governor John Kasich… we don’t know where he will be today, but understand he’s busy Tuesday with an event in his honor at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. So, that takes care of the Ohio contingent.
“And what? … Senators Rand Paul, John Thune, Jim Risch and David Vitter… all ‘maybes’?
“Alright, I want a total and complete shutdown of ALL information until you guys can figure out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! I’m LIVE here!
… … …
“Okay, I’m just learning… say again… I just learned that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan WILL definitely be here. …aren’t they supposed to be here, anyway?
“Okay! Let’s just skip to the celebrities. What A-list celebs are coming?
“Antonio Sabàto Jr.? …Who’s he? …former underwear model. …Professional golfer Natalie Gulbis, and… Ivanka, Eric, Donald Jr., Tiffany and Melania Trump are all speaking. And… we’re told there maybe a few surprise appearances along the way.
“Speaking of surprises, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the booth the law and order man himself, The LONE RAAAANGER, and his faithful Indian partner, Tonto.
“That’s ‘faithful Indian companion,’ Jim!”
“Sorry, about that. It’s great to meet you both. I must say, this really is an unexpected surprise… right down to your brace of 45’s.”
“Well, Jim, Ohio is an open-carry state, you know.”
“Okay, thanks to you both for stopping by.
“Anyone else planning on stopping by, guys? Who? … D.B. Cooper… funny.
“We’ll be back at Quicken Loans Arena after a word from our sponsors.
“WHAT… NO SPONSORS!?
“Back to you, Anderson.”