This One’s for Bruce

Published: May 28, 2012

By Jim Lichtman
Image
Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning announcement on the steps of the Capitol today, scientists from four leading research centers believe they have found a direct link between the ethics scandals of the last five years – perhaps going back as far asfive decades – and a chemical imbalance in the brain.

The new disease, which scientists are calling “Involuntary Ethics Disorder,” affects that portion of the brain where moral cognitive function takes place.

Dr. U.R. Stuck, senior marketing chief at the Public Parody Center for the Advancement of Newly Discovered Dysfunctional Diseases (or PPCANDDD, for short) said, “Much like Tourette’s syndrome, ‘I.E.D.’ concerns a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes hundreds, perhaps even thousands of individuals to lie, cheat, and steal while completely convinced that they have done nothing wrong.”

The study was based on a series of nationwide interviews and blood tests of more than 522 CEOs, politicians, athletes and New York lawyers involved in one or more ethics-related transgressions. The research was funded by the group Special Ways of Finding Excuses (SWFF), a non-denominational, political/corporate action committee based in the Cayman Islands.

The findings show the little-studied disorder is much more common than previously thought. “It seems to be particularly demonstrative in that segment of society involving money, power and professional sporting events,” Dr. Stuck said. “We have documented an abnormally large percentage of IEDs in and around Washington, D.C., Wall Street and major league baseball events around the country.”

Defense attorneys for convicted Enron honcho Jeff Skilling announced, “We never thought of this before. It’s a whole new ball game for us in the appeals process.”

In a similar statement, former Louisiana Representative William Jefferson said, “It makes perfect sense. And all this time, people thought I was only interested in the money.”

Following the announcement by Mr. Skilling’s lawyers, attorneys for WorldCom’s Bernard Ebbers, Tyco’s Dennis Kozlowski, and former Senator Larry Craig announced that they are all in the process of filing new appeals.

However, the news is not so good for others. Author and ethics specialist Jim Lichtman is reported to have lost a number of new and potential clients as a direct result of the study.
“Everybody’s cancelled on me! I had contracts with a huge laundry list of Wall Street firms,” Lichtman cried. “But rather than sign up for much-needed ethics training, now they’re all waiting around for some magic pill they can take. I’ve had to return almost $1 million in deposits. It’s disgusting!”

In a related story, a small fight broke out shortly after the announcement between the “road rage” people and the “ethics rage” scientists – each one claiming the acronym “I.E.D.” A group of Marines, on leave from Iraq, joined the fracas claiming “I.E.D.” should be exclusive to military usage regarding the deadly “Improvised Explosive Device.” However, car manufacturer Toyota has weighed in saying those other terms infringe on their right to use “Integrated Electric Drive” for their Prius hybrid electric car.

The study has yet to determine the exact cause of the disorder. “It could be genetic,” Dr. Stuck says, “but there’s strong evidence to suggest that it is transmitted from person to person, much like the Bird Flu. If that’s the case, we could be looking at a whole new pandemic.”

Dr. Stuck advises anyone with a predisposition for prevarication, rationalization, creative accounting or an inflated batting average to avoid all direct contact with individuals who are known liars, cheaters and thieves, at least until all the evidence has been closely examined.

 

Comments

Leave a Comment



Read More Articles
The Latest... And Sometimes Greatest
Principle Before Party
“Duty is ours. Results are God’s.”—John Quincy Adams In 1806, after a series of attacks by Britain on American ships carrying goods, Massachusetts Senator John...
April 23, 2024
We Need the Strength of Heroes
The Date: September 28, 1955 The Place: Yankee Stadium The Event: Dodgers/Yankees, Game 1 of the 1955 World Series Every baseball fan has seen the...
April 19, 2024
A Time of Troubles, A Time of Opportunities
It’s getting harder and harder to see the light at the end of a dark, relentless tunnel of anger and war at home and abroad....
April 16, 2024
Conscience of the Senate
Continued from Tuesday’s commentary, I offer two Senate leaders from the past. Tuesday, I spoke of the integrity of Republican John Williams. Today, I offer...
April 12, 2024
A Long Time Ago in a Washington Far, Far Away. . .
. . . two U.S. Senators, one Republican, one Democrat, showed us the meaning of duty and character. Republican John Williams, a chicken farmer and...
April 9, 2024
This is The America I Know
We Americans have many grave problems to solve, many threatening evils to fight, and many deeds to do, if, as we hope and believe, we...
April 5, 2024