You’re Not Going to Believe This!

Late Friday, I received a phone call from President Trump.

“Hey Jim, it’s President Trump.”

“Yes, Mr. President, what can I do for you?” I say, waiting for the punch line from some friend.

“I’ve been meaning to call you for some time.”


“No, really,” he says. “I’ve read some of your stuff about me and I’m impressed.”

Now I’m positive someone is pulling my leg with some sound-a-like imposter.

“You’ve read my columns?” I ask.


“You do know that I’m not a supporter, right?”

“Jim, that’s the purpose of this call. Believe me. Look, Melania and the family are down here at Mar-a-Lago for Super Bowl weekend and I was wondering if you could join us.”

“You want ME to join you at your Florida resort for Super Bowl weekend?”

“Sure, I want us to be friends.”

Long pause… “Why?”

“Well, you heard about my big interview with The New York Times, right?”

“I did.”

“Well, I thought, if I’m willing to give the failing New York Times a second chance to accurately report my successes, why not the most beautiful, brilliant ethics writer on the Internet!”

…long pause…

Hello? … Jim… are you there?”

“Who is this, really?”

“What can I say that’ll convince you it’s really me?”

“How about admitting that you knew about information and talks between your campaign and Russia through Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, George Papadopoulos, Don Jr. and Roger Stone? How about admitting that you personally knew and coordinated with Russia to tilt the election in your favor?”

“Okay,” he says. “I admit it. So?”

“You really did all the things you’re accused of?”

“Sure. I can admit it because they’ll never impeach me!”

“How come?”

“Mitch is still in my corner, bigly and we’ve got the votes in the Senate. Believe me.”

“So, why are you inviting me to Mar-a-Lago?”

“To be perfectly honest, some people don’t respect me. I want to give you a chance to ask any questions you want to accurately report my successes to the American people. If I can give the failing New York Times…”

“Yeah, you said that.”

“Look, a lot of people tell me we’ve got a lot in common.”

“I don’t think…”

“Do you like Madonna?”

“Actually, I do like some of her music.”

“Me too. She’ll be at the party!”

“You like Diet Coke, right?”

“I prefer Coke Zero.”

“Me too! Who do you favor, Rams or Patriots?”

“I’m not much of a football fan… probably the Rams.”

“ME TOO! See how much we’ve got in common? So, what do you say you come down for the weekend? It’ll be yuge!”

“Aren’t you working on your state of the union speech?”

“Stevie Miller’s got me covered.”

“Don’t you think you should be involved in polishing exactly what you want to say to the American people?”

“That takes about 10 minutes. Look Jim, I’m a show horse, not a work horse, okay? Don’t you wanna be in on the call I make to Tom Brady?”

“I thought you favor the Rams?”

“Yeah, but we all know who’s going to win, right? Besides, Tom’s a big supporter. So, what do you say, shall I tell Madonna you’re coming?”

“Hold on,” I tell him as I put my cell phone down on the bar and turn to the crowd. “Hey, everybody, Trump’s inviting me to Mar-a-Lago for Super Bowl weekend. What do you think, should I accept?”

37 percent “approve,” 59 percent “disapprove,” 4 percent “no opinion.”

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