The man who might be President

Published: April 25, 2011

By Jim Lichtman
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Spoiler Alert: This one’s for fun, not ethics.

According to an April 12th poll of possible GOP presidential candidates that includes former Governor Mike Huckabee, former Governor Mitt Romney, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann, and Representative Ron Paul of Texas, businessman-real-estate-developer-reality-TV-star Donald Trump (you better sit down for this) is currently in a first place tie with Mike Huckabee.

In a TIME magazine story (cover story titled What if There’s no Hell?), Trump holds up the latest poll figures and pronounces, “This is Trump.” Pointing to a graph where 57% of voters would support his campaign to run for President.

And why not?  He’s got the money.

“My net worth is many, many, many times Mitt Romney.”

He’s got the mouth.

“NBC wants to renew me for three seasons. I’ve told them, I’m sorry. At this moment, I can’t think about that because I have a big decision to make.”

Say what you want, but for all the billionaire bluster Trump gets attention from the media and… the ladies, (first there was Ivana, then Marla, Melania, and then ?).

So, in an effort to raise my stock, I’m undergoing my own makeover, of sorts. Okay, so I don’t have Trump money and I’m not as mouthy, but there is ONE thing I can do.

Based on a detailed follicle-by-follicle analysis by local hair specialist Walter Claudio, we have carefully reconstructed the Donald Doo for me in a five-step process.

Pay attention, presidential wannabes.

Step 1: Color with Trump #45 misty orange shimmer. Rinse, shampoo and condition.

Step 2: Blow-dry the hair forward. Don’t confuse this with a classic side-part comb-over.

Step 3: Carefully fold and blow the hair back and to the side (the right side is my best side, I think).

Step 4: Sweep and blow the remaining hair to both sides. (A little tricky for me because my hair is already fine and thin).

Step 5: Apply liberal amounts of Aqua Net Professional hair spray throughout the entire head, (remembering to hold my breath so as not to inhale too much of the toxic spray.)

I look in the mirror and Voila!

“Wow, Walter, what a difference!” (I’m already feeling stares from several tin-foiled ladies in adjacent chairs.)

“It’s pretty good,” I say. “But is there any way you can give me a little more height? According to ‘The Donald,’ size matters,” I tell him.

“Sorry, Jim,” Walter tells me. “I’ve already used an entire can of volumizer. I’m afraid your follicles have reached maximum height at three-quarters of an inch.”

Memo to TIME editors: There is a hell and it sits on top of my head.


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