America’s Next Buffoon

Published: September 6, 2010

By Jim Lichtman
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“Okay, America, are you ready for the results?”

(Audience cheers.)

Host: “The votes have been tallied and we are about to reveal the winner, but first… the top three finalists for… (Music builds)… America’s Next BUFFOON!

“Okay, let’s get to it.

“Finalist number one: Once a battle-ax wielding action star, now Bad A#$ extraordinaire. Give it up for Mel ‘uses-cell-phone-as-lethal-weapon’ Gibson.”

(Audience roars.)

Howie: “You are one of my favorites. You deserve to go all the way, Mel.”

Host: “Up next, one of the BIGGEST acts from last season, finalist number two: You loved her singing; you loved her acting in Herbie: Fully Loaded. You went insane when sheWAS fully loaded… Let’s hear it for Lindsay ‘every-excuse-in-the-book’ Lohan!”

(Audience goes crazy!)

Sharon: “YOU ARE A SUPERSTAR, Missy!”

Host: “Alright, settle down, settle down… And now, our final finalist of the night.”

(A few screams.)

Host: “I know, I know. Settle down.

“Finalist number three is America’s favorite ‘Coffee, Tea and Flee’ flight attendant. Give it up for, Steven ‘I don’t give a flying #$%#’ Slater!”

Piers: (standing ovation) “It’s not about talent, it’s about the audacity and you’ve got it, Mister!”

(After the cheers die down.)

Host: “And now… (Drum roll)… the moment of truth, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. May I have the envelope PLEASE!”

(Receives the envelope.)

Host: “Here it is, America. The one you’ve chosen.”

Cut to: Close ups of Mel, Lindsay and Steven in various expressions of utter anxiety.

Host: “The one you love the most. The individual who will take home the top prize of $100,000 for their legal defense… (Rips open the envelope and reads silently. Drum roll stops.)

“Now wait a second. This has never happened before.  (He looks at the judges.) Judges are you telling me…”

Cut to:  Howie, Sharon and Piers all shrugging and nodding their heads in agreement.

Host: “Yes?  The judges are saying… Yes, this is okay. This is a strange night, indeed.  Ladies and gentlemen… All THREEhave been ELMINATED! 

(Audience groans.)

“Based on an unprecedented number of voicemails, viewers have selected as America’s Next Buffoon… the MAINSTREAM MEDIA!!

(Wild screams.)

Host: “…for playing an endless cycle of perfectly pathetic “Breaking News” stories showcasing all three finalists’ recklessness, selfishness and offensiveness for a big summer ratings bump!

“That’s it from Hollywood.  Good night, America!”

Okay, I know, from an ethical viewpoint it is wildly wishful thinking… but I can dream.


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