Trump Pardons Frankenstein, Wolf Man

WASHINGTON — With Vice-President Mike Pence looking on, President Donald Trump signed two full pardons “for all Crimes and Misdemeanors” for Frankenstein and the Wolf Man. Both had previously pled guilty to murder.

White House officials were scrambling Friday morning after the president tweeted:

“This morning I will be signing Big FULL Pardons for Frankenstein and Wolf Man. I don’t know what they did that was so Bad. So, they Killed a few people… you think our country is so innocent? They were treated very UNFAIRLY for many years.”

While the press anxiously waited outside the Oval Office Friday for the arrival of former North Korean intelligence Chief Kim Yong-chol, Trump took a photo op while signing two official-looking documents that pardoned, posthumously, the creature known as “Frankenstein” and a second for the Wolf Man.

From Guarda, Switzerland, Inspector Kemp, who prosecuted the Frankenstein monster, reacted to the news of Trump’s pardon on Twitter:

“The President has the right to pardon but the facts are these: the Frankenstein monster intentionally broke the law, voluntarily pled guilty, the judge found no unfairness. The career prosecutors and agents did their job. Period.”

Asked if the president’s pardon was sending a message to the Mummy — the bandage-wrapped Egyptian with a walking impairment responsible for an unknown number of murders — a White House source said, “Look, there are plenty of people the president is looking at right now under the pardon process.”

“I don’t know about the Mummy,” Trump told the press as he walked to his meeting with North Korea’s Yong-chol, “I mean, he’s a cool guy and all, but he’s just a little bit creepy, don’t you think? I mean… it might happen. We’ll see.”

Moses Shapiro, attorney for the Mummy, said he is “hopeful” for a commutation.

Trump said he was also considering a pardon for the Invisible Man, but the drug abused scientist could not be found for comment.

Party affiliation of both Frankenstein and the Wolf Man was not immediately known. However, recent presidential pardons include Lewis “Scooter” Libby and Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, both Republicans. “So, there’s no reason to believe,” the White House source added, “that Frankenstein and the Wolf Man are not conservatives.”

While Frankenstein has been dead longer than black heavyweight boxer Jack Johnson, Mr. Trump’s previous pardon, the Wolf Man, long retired to his Woodland Hills estate remarked, “Grrrrrrrrr-eaaat!”

For months, Republican Devin Nunes, chairman of the House intelligence committee, has requested unrestricted access to four Federal Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) applications the Department of Justice used to obtain a warrant to “spy” on former Trump campaign adviser Carter Page, who has known links to the Wolf Man.

Not all Republicans, however, were happy with the decision by the president.

“The speaker does not agree with this decision,” a spokesman for House Speaker Paul Ryan said. “Law enforcement officials have a special responsibility to respect the rights of everyone in the United States. We should not allow anyone to believe that responsibility is diminished by these pardons.”

Nonetheless, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani confirmed, “As you know, the president has awesome powers.”

When told that he was pardoning two fictional characters, Trump responded, “I just saw both of them on TCM, last night! They’re real enough to me.”

(Jean-Luc Schmoe contributed reporting from Switzerland, and legal analyst Hands Levi from Woodland Hills.)

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