And the Whiner Is…

“Bryan can you give us a sense of what it’s like there?”

“Jim, the excitement here in front of Trump International, D.C. is absolutely incredible. And the turnout, unbelievable. Back to you, Jim.”

“Bryan, this was a last-minute event. Can you tell us about the size of the crowd?”

“I haven’t seen this many Republicans turn out for an event like this since the Whitewater investigation in the ’90s. I think this is, without a doubt, the largest turnout in Washington history. Back to you, Jim.”

“I understand, Bryan, that the media has dubbed these awards the ‘FAKEYs.’ Can you explain what that means?”

“I’ve been told that F.A.K.E. stands for, False Assertions (by) Knuckleheaded Entrepreneurs. Back to you, Jim.”

“Bryan, you don’t have to say, ‘Back to you at…”


“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m your host, Newt Gingrich. Let’s get to our first award. The category is: Most Dishonest Tweet About the Media Elite. That kind of rhymes, doesn’t it? And the nominees are:

“ ‘Rigged!’ by Donald Trump

“ ‘Media-Rigged’ by Donald Trump, again, and…

“ ‘…being rigged by the media, in a coordinated effort with the Clinton campaign,’ by, of course, Donald J. Trump.

“And the FAKEY goes to… boy, why do they always make these envelopes so hard to open?… DONALD TRUMP for ‘Rigged!’ ”

Trump, from a front-row seat. “Thank you, everybody. Actually, as we all know by now, the popular vote was rigged!”

“Hello, America, I’m Mitch McConnell. Let’s get to our second award of the evening: Most Out-of-the-Ballpark Campaign Statements. And the nominees are…

“ ‘Oh, look at my African-American over here.’ by Donald J. Trump.

“ ‘We are going to build a beautiful wall. Who’s going to pay for it?’ by Donald J. Trump.

“ ‘I love the poorly educated,’ by Donald Trump.

“And the final nominee: ‘I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful,’ by Donald Trump.

“And the winner is… who else, President Donald Trump for, ‘I love the poorly educated.’ ”

Trump again responds from a front-row seat. “I can’t believe it, two in a row! I gotta feeling… it’s just the beginning.”

“Hello, ladies and gentlemen, great to see all of you here. I’m Paul Ryan.”


“I know how easy it is for some of Donald Trump’s comments to upset some people. Some said they’re unbecoming of a public figure, and they said his comments were offensive. Well, thank God, he’s learned his lesson.”

…no laughs…

“Damn, that joke still doesn’t work!

“Okay, let’s get to the third and final award of the evening: Best Tweets Regarding Allegations of Collusion between Russia and the Trump Campaign.”

Looks off stage. “Who came up with this category? And the nominees are…

“ ‘Single greatest Witch Hunt in American history,’ by President Trump.

“ ‘Total hoax,’ by the President.

“ ‘The only collusion is with Hillary Clinton and the FBI/Russia…’ another by President Trump. And…

“ ‘no collusion,’ by Mr. Trump.

“And the whiner is… sorry, that’s WINNER. The winner is… President Trump for ‘Single greatest Witch Hunt in American History.’ ”

“Jim, the president is bounding up to the stage to collect the final award of the evening. Trumpets are sounding as he grabs his golden FAKEY from Speaker Ryan.

“Thank you, everybody, thank you soooo much.” To Ryan, “Are they playing that for you or for me?”

Ryan shakes his head.

“Thank you, America. A clean SWEEP! Oprah is very jealous right now, very, VERY jealous. But I have to say…”

Music abruptly starts as Newt Gingrich returns to the stage.

“We are out of time. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY! I’ll see you all on Jimmy Kimmel, Live on Monday!!”

Note from Jim’s Editor: As you can see, Jim’s a little upset because he was left off President Trump’s list of Most Dishonest & Corrupt Media Awards of 2017.

3 comments… add one
  • Steve Plone January 22, 2018, 12:01 pm

    LOL. Thanks, Jim, you’re living proof to the saying that humor can be found in anything.

  • Gary Lange January 22, 2018, 2:34 pm

    So you are a playwright also!
    We need some levity these days.

  • Robert Allen January 23, 2018, 3:30 pm

    I am pretty sure that the greatest witch hunt in our country was in Salem, MA a number of years ago. But what do I know, I am not an award winner.

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